Thursday, June 30, 2005

Grapefruit Lasagna

The lead gourmet chef at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York had been planning dinner for a party of twenty-four when suddenly there was a terrible catastrophe: a private jet of one of the hotel's guests had accidentally landed in the hotel's private vegetable garden, crushing the vegetables that she had planned to use.

This was an extraordinary crisis because the vegetables were unavailable anywhere in the northern hemisphere, and they were too fragile to be transported from the southern hemisphere. They were the pure descendants of an 1806 crop of New Zealand vegetables.

Unfortunately I do not know the name of these vegetables; it is a closely-guarded secret known only to those with the appropriate security clearance needed to handle the vegetables. However, I do know that these vegetables have been known to have a taste that is somewhere between sour and bitter.

The lead chef panicked and tried to find an appropriate ingredient substitution for the vegetables. Endives would be too bitter, she thought. Coffee-soaked lemon pulp would be too flavorful.

Finally she realized that grapefruits might be able to mimic the taste of the missing vegetable. Not just any grapefruits would do; they had to be perfectly aged and preserved. She would also have to disguise the grapefruit color and texture with ingredients that would complement the grapefruit taste while bringing more dominant colors and textures.

She decided to prepare individually-sized portions of grapefruit lasagna. She had a few bottles of flattened grapefruits left over from a visit by the CEO of a grapefruit company, and she was relieved to finally use them because flattened grapefruits are otherwise entirely useless. They would be the perfect shape for lasagna, luckily.

The lasagna came out delicious, except for the flattened grapefruit parts. But that is what you ought to expect from fine dining in America: dishes that taste delicious but that have several unfamiliar parts that are hard to swallow.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Two Unwanted Grapefruits

I bought a 3-pack of citrus fruits which I thought were oranges. But they turned out to be grapefruits.

After throwing away the opened grapefruit, there were still two unopened grapefruits left. I didn't know what to do with them.

I thought about giving the remaining two grapefruits to friends. I couldn't stomach the idea of giving grapefruits to a friend, though. Grapefruits are a symbol of bitterness, not friendship, and it could have been taken as an insult.

Anyhow, the two leftover grapefruits ended up rotting. I threw them away secretly, embarrassed that I was tossing uneaten fruit.

My conscience felt relieved, as if I had just left a confessional booth.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Mandarin Grapefruits

A grapefruit planted its seeds in China, hoping that its children would become mandarin grapefruits.

Like all good fruits, the grapefruit wanted the best for its children. It knew that mandarin oranges were among the most popular fruits, and it hypothesized that mandarin grapefruits would also be popular.

Many years passed, and almost all of the grapefruit's seeds remained dormant, afraid that they would grow into bitter grapefruit trees. However, one seed was bitterblind.

Bitterblindness is a condition that prevents one from sensing bitterness. Just as colorblindness would prevent a grapefruit seed from perceiving colors, bitterblindness prevented the little grapefruit seed from perceiving bitterness.

The bitterblind seed woke up from its dormancy and grew into a large grapefruit tree. Its fruits were bitter and never attained the popularity of mandarin oranges, but as a gesture of love and respect toward their parent grapefruit, the bitter fruits of the tree only referred to themselves as mandarin grapefruits, and never just as grapefruits.

Their parent grapefruit never knew about any of this because it was in the special place where grapefruits go after living a good life. It would have been proud.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Two grapefruits were in love, so they decided to kiss each other.

The problem was that they tended to roll away from each other, due to each other's bitterness. But they truly loved each other, despite the fact that they were grapefruits.

Finally they realized that the only way to kiss each other was if one of them cornered the other in a spot where it couldn't roll away. The idea was a stroke of genius, and they have been kissing each other ever since.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Remove Grapefruits from your Diet

One of the best ways to keep yourself from becoming bitter is to remove all grapefruits from your diet.

The grapefruit is the number one leading cause of bitterness among adults aged 18-65. Children under 18 are all sweet, so they were not included in the study. Adults 65 years of age and beyond are also sweet.

Common sense will tell you that adults aged 18-65 must be eating too much grapefruit. That demographic probably includes you, so I'm going to go ahead and lecture you. Whether it's juice, extract, pills, or the fruit itself, you really should try to keep grapefruit out of your system if you don't want to be bitter.

Once I was bitter. Now I am sweet, and I am much happier this way. Trust me, because I'm sweet and because I'm right.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Flat and Fat

A flat grapefruit was sitting on an old, peeling bench at a bus stop. It was lost in thought until a fat grapefruit rolled into the space beside it.

Suddenly the flat grapefruit had an idea. "Excuse me, fat grapefruit, but could I have some of your volume?" it asked. "I'm pretty flat."

"I wish I could give you some," the fat grapefruit replied. "But unfortunately I'm on my way to a worldwide conference of fat grapefruits."

"Oh, I understand," the flat grapefruit said.

Soon the bus arrived. The flat grapefruit rolled onto the bus, like a wheel. The fat grapefruit also rolled onto the bus, but like a big rolling ball.

The flat grapefruit had been planning to get off the bus somewhere toward the end of the route. But it saw the fat grapefruit getting off at the convention center, and in a spur-of-the-moment decision it rolled off the bus too.

The fat grapefruit ignored the flat grapefruit, nervous that it would ask for some of its volume again.

The flat grapefruit also ignored the fat grapefruit, instead seeking help from crowds of fat grapefruits at the convention. It found a thousand fat grapefruits who were each willing to donate a single piece of pulp, and with the donations, it was easily admitted to the convention because it now met the volume requirement.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Overdose of Bitterness

A grapefruit was in the emergency room. It had accidentally fallen into a pot of coffee. The main problem was not the temperature of the coffee; rather, it was that the grapefruit had overdosed on bitterness.

The doctors were unable to save the grapefruit. It had gone well beyond the acceptable threshold of bitterness, and now it was too late.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Grapefruit in a Furniture Store

A grapefruit was rolling around in a furniture store. It liked rolling down the curves of sofas, along the edges of coffee tables, and through the legs of dressers.

Rolling was tiring. It got tired and decided to take a break on a soft chair.

A very large man saw the soft chair that the grapefruit was sitting on. It was a La-Z-Boy. "Comfy!" he said, as he hopped toward the chair.

Unfortunately, the La-Z-Boy was beige, which was pretty similar to the grapefruit's skin color. The large man sat down and squished the pulpy grapefruit. The grapefruit tried hard to retain all the pulp that it could, but its efforts were futile.

The man sat in the chair for what seemed like hours. The flat grapefruit sat under him, in the dark.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Rose Bush Accident

I looked out the window and saw a grapefruit car driving past my house. It had four spherical tires, each tire a grapefruit.

In addition to the four grapefruit tires, there was a fifth grapefruit present in the scene. The driver of the car was a large, round grapefruit.

It is confusing why a grapefruit would need to drive a car. After all, couldn't it just roll around on its own, rather than driving a grapefruit car with spherical grapefruit wheels? Life is complicated, and sometimes there are hidden reasons for the complexity.

Anyhow, as I was peering out the window at the grapefruit car, something terrible happened. A rose bush happened to be crossing the street, and neither the rose bush nor the grapefruit car were able to stop in time. The grapefruit car ended up running over the rose bush.

The rose bush was flattened instantly. You would think that the grapefruit tires of the grapefruit car would have been flattened as well, because rose bushes are thorny, but that was not the case. They were fine.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Grapefruit Pills

Apparently there are dieters who religiously take grapefruit pills, hoping to shed their extra pounds.

Unfortunately, grapefruit pills don't really make you lose weight. (Scientists and nutritionists, I ask that you nod your sweet, round heads in agreement.)

Grapefruit pills only serve to make people more bitter. Know that bitter guy or girl at the office, with a bitter attitude toward everything? He or she might even be a little sour, but mostly bitter. Well, that guy or girl is probably on grapefruit pills. Open his or her desk drawers, and you are sure to find a stash of them.

Don't report a person if you discover that they carry grapefruit pills, however. Grapefruit pills are completely legal.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Florida Citrus Recipes, Using Grapefruit!

I found a website containing grapefruit recipes. Here it is:

And to think that all this time I had thought that grapefruits were completely useless. Well, it looks like someone is consciously using grapefruits for a purpose, even if that purpose is to create bitter foods.

Bitter foods are not very good, but at least they provide calories, which are a healthy part of everyone's diet.

Sweet Fruit

A grapefruit decided that it wanted to be sweet. So it rolled around in sugar for awhile.

Rolling around in sugar was a novel, exciting experience for the bitter fruit. It had no idea what it was like to be sweet. Sweetness, the grapefruit decided, was equivalent to joy.

The fruity grapefruit continued to roll around, collecting sweet crystals of sugar on the surface of its bitter skin. It loved the sweetness of each little granule of sugar, and it loved the sweet crunching sounds that it made as it rolled over those granules.

After some time, the grapefruit realized that it was now the sweetest grapefruit in the world. It mailed itself to the staff at the Guinness Book of World Records, hoping to be listed in the "Sweetest Grapefruit" category.

The Guinness Book folks received a package, which they opened to reveal a grapefruit covered in sugar. "Sweet!" they said. Then they sliced the grapefruit and ate it, peel and all.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Are Grapefruits Good to Eat?


Bitter Melon

The grapefruit has a strange cousin called "bitter melon".

You will find the bitter melon served at some authentic Chinese restaurants. Unfortunately, the bitter melon is bitter, just like grapefruit.

In general, grapefruits and bitter melons don't get along. They each want to be the bitterest, but as we all know, only one food can be the bitterest at a time.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Will You Marry Us?

A man wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him. In order to guarantee that she would say "Yes!", he planned to give her the largest ring imaginable.

That ring happened to be a ring with a humongous grapefruit in place of a diamond.

As soon as he saw it, he knew it was the largest ring imaginable. He was happy because it was also quite cheap. It was less than a dollar! So he bought it, and he even saved a few cents with his grocery store keychain tag.

The man was overjoyed. The grapefruit on the ring was overjoyed too.

And the man gave the ring to his girlfriend, who was thoroughly impressed, even though grapefruits were a tad bitter for her tastes. She kissed him. "Yes!" she said.

"Yes!" the grapefruit said, too.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Digging for Treasure

A young couple was at the beach, digging for treasure.

They thought that they had found a spot containing treasure when they found a large lump in the sand. "We are sooooo lucky!" they exclaimed.

Then they started digging. After digging for a couple of hours, they found the cause of the lump: a swollen grapefruit that had become quite large after soaking up water beneath the surface of the sand for months.

"Gosh, darn it," they said.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Grapefruit Bowling

In Florida, where there are more grapefruits than people know what to do with, people have started going grapefruit bowling.

Grapefruits are large and heavy, so it's a natural conclusion that they would make great bowling balls. They are bitter, so people don't like eating them anyway, and therefore using grapefruits for bowling is not a waste of food.

Grapefruit bowling is different from ordinary bowling in that the ball is a grapefruit without holes for your thumb and two fingers. Furthermore, one must roll the grapefruit gently in order to keep it from exploding. The fact that an exploded grapefruit is worse than a gutterball can be frustrating for bowlers with strong arms.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Grapefruit on a Grapefruit Diet

A grapefruit decides to go on a grapefruit diet. The diet works because the grapefruit knows how bitter grapefruits are, and it doesn't want to touch them.

So the grapefruit loses weight and becomes a flat grapefruit.

The grapefruits that were meant to be eaten also lose weight and become flat grapefruits, because no one is eating them. They feel a little sad but are mostly unaffected.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Stuck in a Grapefruit

Being stuck inside a grapefruit is no fun. It's so bitter inside of grapefruits that I can't imagine anyone surviving it.

If you get stuck inside of a grapefruit, don't panic. Find the sharpest object that you have with you (e.g. your car keys). Move toward the edge of the grapefruit, and begin poking.

Poke the grapefruit peel as hard as you can, and don't stop. Don't give up. Eventually you'll be able to get out of there. I know that grapefruit peel can be tough, but it's not impossible to break. You'll get out eventually.

The Unforbidden Fruit

It is fortunate that Adam and Eve were tempted by an apple, rather than by a grapefruit. Had they been tempted by a grapefruit, they may never have left the Garden of Eden.

The grapefruit is a bitter fruit that may appear to be the root of all evil upon first taste. However, the grapefruit is not really evil; it is merely bitter. Bitterness is often assumed to be correlated with evil, an assumption that leads to misrepresentation.

Imagine Adam and Eve enjoying the bitter bitterness of a ripe grapefruit. They are delighted in the bitter taste because it is unlike anything they have ever tasted. They are afraid that God will punish them for their bitter acts, but in reality, God continues to smile down on them because they are enjoying an unforbidden fruit.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Grapefruitlovers' Warning

Warning, folks!

If you are a grapefruit-lover, you may be so accustomed to the bitter taste of grapefruits that you forget how bitter they are in actuality.

Do not feed grapefruits, grapefruit slices, or grapefruit products to guests who are visiting you. Doing so will result in displeasure and bitterness from your guests.

Do not confuse the "delightful" bitterness of grapefruit with the delightful bitterness of coffee. The latter is true; the former is merely an image in your deluded mind.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Grapefruits Can't Sing

There is a fruit church where all the fruits in the neighborhood go every Sunday. A few are religious, but most go just to meet other fruits.

The fruit church has a fruit choir. The singers aren't that great, but no one notices. Everyone is just there to have a good time. The little strawberries are the sopranos, and the enormous watermelons sing bass.

Some grapefruits wanted to sing in the choir. At first the choir director turned them away. "You are all so bitter that you cannot possibly be fruits," she said.

But then the choir director realized that they were in fact fruits. She apologized and welcomed them. A banana reached over and gave them copies of practice sheet music. They were not sure whether their voices would be considered low or high, so they sat in the middle of the choir.

When the starfruit at the piano began to play, the fruits began to sing. The grapefruits sang more loudly than any other fruit, because they were proud. But they were absolutely tone-deaf.

The choir director interrupted the song and instructed the grapefruits to sing a little more softly and sweetly, as if they were angels (hah!). Then she began the song again. The grapefruits were embarrassed and sang more softly.

At the end of the song, the choir director congratulated the poor bitter grapefruits for learning to control their voices. They were happy and rolled around.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Juicy and Pulpy

Yes, grapefruits are juicy and pulpy. Those two traits are assets for anyone. But grapefruits use those traits deceitfully.

Grapefruits like to trick people into thinking that they are sweet. After all, they are so nice and juicy and pulpy, so they must be sweet, right? Unfortunately, that conclusion is completely incorrect. Grapefruits are completely bitter.

Flat Objects, and Flattening Your Stomach

The flatness of all the objects around me is overwhelming. Yet I still find that I have a compulsion to flatten grapefruit.

Everywhere I go, I see flat things. For instance, how about: flatbread, coins, flat irons, flat stomachs. Well, I don't see very many flat stomachs, because that part of the body tends to be private. I see a few on television, but I tend to avoid shows that feature stomachs.

Which reminds me that one of the best ways to get a flat stomach is to go on a grapefruit diet. Eat nothing but grapefruit for every meal, and your stomach is sure to flatten. Eat nothing but flat grapefruit, and your stomach will flatten even more. I can't guarantee that any of this will work because I haven't tried it, but it seems to be common sense.

Consult your physician before embarking on any program of diet or exercise.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


In cartoons, the characters frequently get flattened by steamrollers. Clearly, steamrolling does not cause permanent damage, because the characters always pop back out of their flattened shapes.

Steamrolling is the only technique for flattening grapefruits that is reversible. Like cartoon characters, a steamrolled grapefruit has the ability to pop back out of its flattened disc shape. Steamrolling does no damage to the insides of a grapefruit.

Steamrolling can be a convenient technique for creating portable stacks of grapefruit. Just take a bag of grapefruit, steamroll each one into a flat disc, and stack up the flattened discs of grapefruit. You can take them on trips, unflattening them whenever you get hungry.

The only problem with bringing stacks of flattened grapefruit on trips is that you won't be satisfied. Because grapefruit tastes awful, you will become tired of your food supply within the first day or so of your journey.

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Incredible Shrinking Grapefruit.

If you buy a grapefruit and leave it in a dry place for several weeks, it will shrink. I have no proof of this phenomenon, but I have had many analogous experiences with oranges and other citrus fruits.

Shrunken grapefruits are characterized by an extremely tough, shell-like peel. It is almost impossible to break through the peel, because it has toughened so much over time.

If you do find a way to open a shrunken grapefruit, you will be disappointed with what you discover. Shrunken grapefruits are almost completely dried out, making them inedible to all but the toughest fruit survivors.

Grapefroot Loops

I would rather eat grapefruit-flavored cereal for breakfast than subject myself to the actual bitterness of an actual grapefruit. I prefer natural foods over artificial ones, but with grapefruit there is an exception. I don't prefer grapefruit over anything.

Grapefroot Loops could be a cereal with grapefruit flavor packed into every bite. Mix it with milk, and it turns the milk pink. But like all artificially-flavored cereals, it would have to be sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. The syrupy sweetener would eliminate the bitterness, making it more edible than any grapefruit.

Sunday, April 03, 2005


Grapefruits are usually three-dimensional.

Drawings of grapefruits are usually two-dimensional.

Flattened grapefruits used to be three-dimensional but have become two-dimensional. Yes, they are one of life's mysteries and clearly a miracle of science.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Grapefruit Moon

If the moon were a shining, smiling grapefruit, I would smile back. I would stand outside, in my backyard, smiling up at the sky.

The moon and I would smile at each other, as the clouds would pass and as the wind would make it almost unbearable to stand outside.

Finally, I would get cold and tired, and I would go to bed, saying goodbye to the great grapefruit moon in the sky.

A Bed of Grapefruits

Imagine if you had the chance to spend the night in a bed of grapefruits. I think it would be surprisingly pleasant, because grapefruits smell wonderful despite their bitter taste.

The mattress could even be made up of grapefruits. It would be like a bed of giant soft pearls. You would easily be able to get a good night's rest. Your neck could rest along the curve of a round grapefruit for support. The grapefruits underneath your back could also align with the curve of your spine, fitting perfectly.

Maybe grapefruits are simply meant to be slept on, rather than to be eaten. At least I would much rather sleep on them than eat them.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Good for you?

Foods that taste awful tend to be good for you. Everyone can and should admit that dark, green leafy vegetables taste awful. We just trick ourselves into thinking that they taste good, because we know we should be eating them.

Grapefruits naturally fall into the category of "foods that taste awful". In fact, they taste more than awful; they taste bitterly awful. Their taste leads me to suspect that they may be very good for health.

It's interesting because grapefruit seems to be used medicinally in many ways. There was a grapefruit diet that used to be popular years ago. There are doctors and alternative health practitioners who recommend grapefruit for various ailments.

Grapefruit is also supposed to have effects on some medications, according to recent studies.

So, you be the judge. Are grapefruits good for you? I think they are, but that doesn't mean that I will eat them. They are just too bad-tasting.

Three Little Grapefruit Haiku

Beloved grapefruit,
I wish you were tastier
Why are you bitter?

Taking my chances,
I picked one that looked so sweet.
Alas, bitterness.

In the mood for fruit?
Grapefruits may not do the trick.
Try a better fruit.

Flattening How-To Guide

Okay, since I didn't provide much explanation, here's a guide to help get you started with flattening grapefruits. I can't guarantee that you'll do it right, because it's quite subjective, but I can try to help you.

How to flatten a grapefruit!

1. Find a heavy object with a flat bottom.

The ideal object would be an anvil; however, I understand that anvils are inconvenient for most of you. So try using a heavy, flat-bottomed piece of furniture. Heavy shelves work very well for this purpose.

2. Drop the heavy object on the poor little grapefruit.

If done correctly, you will hear a juicy splash. When you lift up the heavy object again, you will find a flattened grapefruit.

Clean the heavy flattening object as soon as possible. Grapefruits are extremely acidic and may be harmful to some finishes.

Grapefruits for Breakfast

I have never understood why people choose to eat grapefruits for breakfast. They are so bitter, and so difficult to eat with a straight face.

Grapefruits are also not very filling. I don't think they qualify as a meal, because they have hardly any calories. I have tried to eat them for breakfast, but I always felt hungry even after I had finished and was supposed to be full.

Flat Grapefruit

I like to make fun of grapefruit. That's why I am starting this blog/website. I plan to post stories about grapefruit, facts, and pretty much anything else that is grapefruit-related.

I chose the name "Flat Grapefruit" because the funniest thing that could ever happen to a grapefruit would be to get flattened. Yes, it would be sad, and the grapefruit would be devastated, but it would still be so juicy and bitter.